When Andrew was a baby, we barely knew he was around. He was content just to sit in his carrier and watch the world around him. Now that he is 4, I hear "Look at him, he's such a good boy, he plays all by himself" and I just want to yell, "No, he's autistic, he prefers it that way!".

 People get the idea that a "Good Child" is the one who is not bothersome, the one who entertains himself. Sure, before autism, I thought the same thing. So what am I posting about.. Hell I dont know.. lol I just want to say.. listen NT mom's ... if your toddler wants your attention, wants you to play, wants to play with others, THATS A GOOD THING!

Bad Mommy

Ironically, during my pregnancies (usually brought up by prenatal test), I often said that I hope this child is not a special needs child. I am not equipped mentally, emotionally, physically to handle that. I marveled that there were parents who could handle that, but felt that I wasn't one of them.

My son was born too early, globally delayed, and diagnosed with PDD-NOS.  I have hosted therapists galore, for 3 years.  Participating, learning, implementing their techniques. I read the books, studied the key phrases and learned as much as I could about what was going on with my son. Apparently I am more equipped than I thought I was, or am I?

Doubts plague me often.  Am I doing enough?  Should I allow him to stim as often as he does? I am sure there is some program we are missing out on.  Are there therapies he should be getting that I am unaware of.  Should I take him to a DAN doctor, shoot him up with vitamins, change his diet to GFCF? I should be networking with other parents, finding playgroups and socialization programs.

Most days I just have to admit, I am just trying to get through.  Just make it till bed time unscathed.  Its these thoughts that make me feel guilty for not being stronger, and not having the energy to maybe be more engaging.  Allowing him to play with his Ipod, while I sit here losing myself on the internet. I avoid taking him to the stores, parks and on errands for fear of judgments from NT parents.  The sadness I feel when he is around neuro-typical peers, stimming while they play can be quite overwhelming.  At home, he is happy go lucky Andrew.  There are no judgements, no basis for comparison.  There aren't sympathetic glances from strangers.

The basis for therapy is to make him more typical.  To bring him out of his own little world, and into ours.  Most days however, I wish that I could just vacation in his.  A fantasy world where we just stim, scream, laugh inappropriately to our hearts content. No onlookers, judgments, or worries about the future.